


Eat Your Heart Out

by AdrenalineRevolver



Series: Le Chat Noir Bakery [2]
Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Bakery and Coffee Shop, Combeferre vs The Education System, Courfeyrac being Courfeyrac, Enjolras Is Bad At Feelings, Feelings Realization, Gueulemer and Eponine are also mentioned but don't directly appear, JEHAN NO, M/M, Montparnasse didn't sign up for this, Oblivious Grantaire, fauntleroy and Claquesous are forever banned from Montparnasse's kitchen, related to 'jehan no'- theres a lot of fake blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 19:59:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17567021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdrenalineRevolver/pseuds/AdrenalineRevolver
Summary: Having got into everyone's good graces Grantaire seeks to keep it that way by keeping the treats coming. Meanwhile Montparnasse is dead set on completing his mission.





	Eat Your Heart Out

“He loved it.” Grantaire hurried inside. 

“Oh yes, I’m well aware that he loved it.” Montparnasse hissed from behind the counter. His black apron was dotted with specks of flour. “But I have him now. If this doesn’t beat him I’ll have to break out the aspic.” He laughed and hurried into the back. He came back with what looked just like a human heart drenched in blood. “Eat your heart out.”

While it was undeniably creepy Grantaire knew that it would likely be the best cake Jehan had ever gotten.

“It’s a lava cake so the moment you cut it, it starts to bleed everywhere.” Montparnasse looked rather proud of himself and Grantaire had to admit that it was impressive.

Grantaire almost hated to rain on his parade. “If he balks at that for any reason other than to take a picture I’ll pay for anything he ever gets here from now on.”

“Shut your mouth. This has taken me hours. If anything can shake him it’s being told to eat a human heart.” Montparnasse sounded actually desperate at this point.

He decided not to mention the human skull Jehan had as a ‘pet’. “If it doesn’t work I suppose he’s truly fearless.”

“I take it you want something else to bring in for Blondie?” He pointed to a black box. “I set aside some petits fours. Two apple tartlets, six of the neapolitan flavors, two passionfruit, and two éclairs in all. Well, and the complementary bit. All together it should be $16.34 with the discount.”

“You’re going to break me.” Grantaire sighed as he pulled out his wallet. 

“Work here then.” He barely looked up. “Sweep the floors and shit. Get the employee discount.” Montparnasse grinned as he worked. “Now, the piece de resistance.” He carefully pulled out what looked like a rose with long thorns and crystalized petals. “This bastard is made of chocolate and sugared rose petals.” With a flourish he stabbed it into the center of the heart, fake blood oozed around the ‘wound’. “Perfect! I call it “Death of the Poet.” 

Oh Jehan was doomed. “After the Lermontov poem?” 

“Huh?” Montparnasse picked out an ornate box.

“Nevermind. Are you going to send it with me?”

“Absolutely not. You might drop it. That and I need to see his face.” He wraps it up and tosses his apron aside. “$3.66 is your change.”  
“What?” Grantaire hadn’t handed him the bill yet. 

“Nearly everyone pays with a $20 when they do cash.” Montparnasse grabbed the money out of the register and held his hand out. “Your change is $3.66.”

Grantaire blinked twice and handed him the twenty. Parnasse being some kind of math wiz kid was never going to feel normal.

“Thanks.” He made the exchange and jumped over the counter. “Babet! I’m heading out early!”

“You’re opening tomorrow then you lazy shit!” A voice called back without hesitation.

Montparnasse rolled his eyes. “Choke and die you old bastard!”

“My dying wish is that you open tomorrow!” Came the smooth riposte.

Montparnasse seemed tempted to laugh. “Fair enough.” He grabbed the box off the counter and hurried towards the door. “Come on before he makes it two days.” He waited for Grantaire to open the door. “Honestly I was probably going to come in early anyway. Some geologist saw the geode cake trend and now I’ve got to find a way to make her wedding cake look like a rock but have it look like a geode when it’s cut open. Because everyone wants to be special.” He continued to gripe as they walked. “I mean I can do that with candy. But to do it with a cake will take a shitload of trial and error if I can’t find a youtube video.” He pauses. “I guess it would be the same basic mentality of a piñata cake though, bake it in a million different parts and decorate the inside. It could even have a little sticking out of the side so it’s not just a grey blob. Could also put moss on it. If that doesn’t work I can just cheat and make an ornate geode cake with a bunch of the candies as a compromise.” 

He listened to the creative process. He could recognize the moment an idea hit, apparently it wasn’t that different from any other art form. “Do you do most of the designing?” 

“I do all of it.” Montparnasse laughed bitterly. “The others wouldn’t know good design if it bet them in the ass. Gueulemer is in charge of stock, basically he lugs things around. Babet owns the place so there’s everything that goes with that. Éponine works the counter on weekends and Feuilly in the back because by then he’s too burnt out to do anything but put batter in an oven. The only person I’d ever let help me decorate is Faunt but they’re too busy screwing around with Claquesous to ever really do anything. They’re more helpful just not being at the store rather than risking getting us shut down every day.”

“Wait those two are together?” Grantaire couldn’t recall what Claquesous looked like, that was likely by design.

“An overdramatic little haematophile and Claquesous? Match made in hell.” Montparnasse scowled. 

Grantaire raised an eyebrow. “Projecting much?”

“Excuse you I’m the ideal amount of dramatic. I’m also not an eighteen year old chasing after a thirty year old. Been there done that. If they’re happy fine, but don’t fuck in my goddamn kitchen. Especially when you play with knives like that!” He huffed. “What if the health inspector came by? Irresponsible bastards!”

“You never denied being uncomfortably into blood.” He pointed out.

“My new years resolution was to not set impossible standards for myself.” He grinned.

“Jesus Christ.” Grantaire laughed.

“Aren’t you Jewish or something?” He raised an eyebrow.

Grantaire shrugged. “So was he.” 

“Wait, really?” Montparnasse seemed curious. Legitimately curious as if this was new information.

Grantaire honestly thought he was joking at first. “Was the extent of your education the back of a cereal box?”

“Pretty much.” He didn’t seem bothered by it. Then again Grantaire didn’t know him well enough to know if he really was. 

Grantaire thought for a moment. “You know Combeferre, the cool calm collected one?“

“Kind of?” He really only knew him through Enjolras.

“I will give you fifty bucks to make change in front of Combeferre and then answer a few questions. He’ll be apoplectic.” Grantaire realized that Montparnasse might have no idea what that meant. “He’ll be reduced to a screaming mess over the public education system.”

“Sure.” Montparnasse shifted the cake to his other hand. “Not much I won’t do for fifty dollars. Why though?”

“Enjolras deserves to be reminded every once and a while that he’s not the only madman in the room. Even if everyone is nodding in agreement it has to be exhausting to be the only one yelling.” 

Montparnasse smirked. “Lame, gross, and sappy. I’ll still take the money.”

Grantaire was early for once. At this point it was only Combeferre and Courfeyrac setting up. As Montparnasse carefully set the cake box down Grantaire knew it was his time to strike. 

“Hey so if something was $23.47 how much change would you get back from a fifty?” He smirked and pulled out his phone to check the answers.

“$26.53.” Montparnasse answered without hesitation. 

He was right. “What if you were given $75.25?”

“I think that’s $51.78. Damn unnecessary though. Just pay with card.” Montparnasse didn’t look up from the table he had chosen to set up on. 

“$37.12?” Grantaire was beaming when he noticed that Combeferre was glaring at them. He was well aware that the only reason Grantaire would be doing this is to cause a problem.

“$13.65.” Montparnasse peaked into the box as he gave the right answer again. 

“If you had to split that between five people what would it be?” Division would prove his point for sure.

Montparnasse had to think about it for a moment but was right again. “$2.73. Though I’d be tempted to charge them for making me split it.”

“What’s the year the French revolution occurred?” Should be easy.

“Uh…1776?” For some reason he pulled out the year of the American revolution?

“Where was Jesus Christ born?” Again, in such an overly Christian society he should probably know.

“…A manger.” Technically not wrong.

“Million dollar question: What’s one hundred divided by five?” If Montparnasse reacted the way Grantaire suspected he would there was no way Combeferre would keep his composure.

“Hell I don’t know I was never any good at math. It’s probably either 20 or 25.” His first instinct was right, not that he seemed to care.

Combeferre’s notebook flew across the room and slammed into the wall at nearly incomprehensible speed. Grantaire grinned like a maniac as the yelling began. “You just did 13.65 divided by 5! All of that was math and you were fantastic at it!

“That was just money.” Montparnasse shrugged. 

“I’m…” Combeferre started pacing, words failed him as he gestured in blind fury. 

“Gonna fight the public school system with your bare hands?” Grantaire supplied as he carefully slid the fifty into Montparnasse’s pocket.

“Yes!” Combeferre managed.

“Grantaire, not that I disapprove but why?” Courfeyrac watched, bemused, as Combeferre was waving his hands at nothing in particular.

Grantaire shrugged. “Why not?”

“Just money. As if money isn’t inherently mathematical!” Combeferre’s voice jumped two octaves.

Montparnasse raised an eyebrow and looked over at the others.

“Educational inequality makes him crawl the walls.” Courfeyrac offers.

“It’s neglect on behalf of the state that children are blamed for!” Combeferre stomped over and picked up the notebook. “The poor are poorly educated so the assumption is that they’re stupid so no effort is made into educating them and the cycle continues!”

“You know, I’d forgotten how hot this is.” Courfeyrac went over and took one of the chocolate petitis fours.

“You’re welcome.” Grantaire winked.

“If it makes you feel any better I wasn’t really into school when they tried.” Montparnasse grabbed one of the apple tartlings. 

“You might have been had they actually put effort into finding something you were interested in! You’re obviously interested in money! They also could have bothered to investigate what it was pushing you away from academics!” He shoved his glasses back up his face as they threatened to fall and continued. “What was the last subject that interested you?”

Montparnasse thought for a moment. “Science was kind of cool. Figuring out how to make shit explode and cutting things open. I wasn’t really good enough to bother going anywhere with it though.”

As he spoke Combeferre bit down on the edge of his notebook and took three deep breaths. His voice was carefully measured when he managed to speak. “There is no such thing as a child that is “not good enough” at science. Science is inherent in human nature.”

Courfeyrac leaned over and whispered to Grantaire. “Does this mean Enjolras is going to have the night off?” 

“If it’s anything like the time Feuilly lost his shit over minimum wage, probably. His lungs probably need it.” Grantaire hadn’t been this pleased with himself in a while.

“You evil genius.” Courfeyrac grabbed them both a drink and watched Combeferre talk about everything from chronic underfunding, to charter schools, to religious schools. The man was on a rage-fuelled roll. 

As the others filled in they grabbed snacks and watched the show, it was rare that Combeferre was the one worked into such a lather; poor Marius nearly turned around and snuck right back out of the building only to be grabbed by Courfeyrac. 

“I get the feeling that you did this.” Enjolras snuck up behind Grantaire.

Grantaire jumped and spun around. “Me? Would I do such a thing?”

“Absolutely.” Enjolras grabbed one of the treats with a bit of a smile. “Though it isn’t exactly off-topic since I was going to ask what we should focus our next fundraiser on. I think it’s safe to say what Combeferre has in mind.” 

“Well, I think what he has in mind is personally throttling the local school board to death but a fundraiser is a decent compromise. I got him to fling his notebook.” He wiggled his eyebrows. 

Enjolras’ lips fell open and Grantaire couldn’t help but stare. “He hasn’t done something like that since I broke my collarbone during a riot. How did you hit such a nerve?”

“Turns out everyone’s favorite sugar dealer is a math wiz who was churned out not knowing when the French revolution took place or the fact that Jesus Christ was Jewish. All hail the public school system. Never lets a kid fall through the cracks.” He raised his glass in a mock toast. 

Enjolras raised the little pastry to meet Grantaire’s drink. “Try not to have more than one tonight.” 

“Oh? Special occasion?” Grantaire was surprised with the little toast. 

He seemed to think for a moment. “You’re not entirely unpleasant when you’re almost sober.” 

Before Grantaire could respond Enjolras hurried over to Combeferre and floated the fundraiser idea. 

As Grantaire tried to process what just happened he at least got to drown his sorrows in watching Montparnasse suffer. 

Jehan practically bounded in on the cusp of being late and found Montparnasse right away. “I never expected to see you at a meeting.” 

“Well I just had to bring-“ Montparnasse stopped and leaned back to take in what Jehan was wearing. “Does that ring have a human tooth in it?”

“Isn’t it lovely? I made it myself. When I had my wisdom tooth removed I just couldn’t waste it!” He held the ring up to the light. 

Montparnasse made a noise that was similar to steam being let out of an engine and Grantaire watched as all the hope faded from eyes. It was the best depiction of defeat that Grantaire had seen in years. “Its cool.” 

“What did you bring today?” He eyed the box curiously. 

“Something I’m sure you’ll love. Go ahead and open it.” Montparnasse smiled but his eyes were tired.

Jehan made a noise of abject glee when he opened the box to reveal the fake bleeding heart. “It’s perfect!” In a flurry of movement he unfolded the box and examined it on all sides. “Morbid anatomical perfection along with a beautiful analogy about the agony of love! And it’s all made deliciously consumable by the public like most romances would be! Montparnasse you’re an artistic genius!” He kissed Montparnasse’s temple before quickly pulling out his phone to take pictures from every angle he can manage. 

Montparnasse meanwhile sat there wide-eyed and silent, he looked like he had been hit with the emotional equivalent of a truck. 

Grantaire carefully leaned over. “You did realize-“

“Shut up.” Montparnasse tried to cut him off.

“You did realize you were flirting with him this entire time?” Grantaire knew damn well he didn’t.

“Stop talking.” He hissed. 

“I almost don’t want to cut it!” Jehan sighed before gasping, his eyes filling with the light of inspiration. “How stable is this cake?”

“Pretty stable, w-“ Montparnasse’s eye’s widened as Jehan lifted the cake high. 

“Chief of all the muses I sacrifice this human heart in your name!” He yelled out over the background chatter of the café.

“Wait, you might not-!” 

Before Montparnasse could finish Jehan bit into the heart shaped cake sending red-dyed chocolate lava all down his face and hands. As it was chocolate the thickness was uncomfortably accurate and the crumbs acted as clots. It looked positively gruesome. Montparnasse looked out between his fingers as Jehan’s eyes widened.

Grantaire burst into uproarious laughter as Marius screamed in abject horror. Even Combeferre seemed a bit shaken at the sight. 

Montparnasse for once actually hoped he hadn’t disgusted Jehan.

Jehan carefully set the cake down and licked his arm. “How wonderful! You thought of everything!” He ran his tongue over his wrist. “It was like I had bitten into an actual organ!” He sounded thrilled about the development. “And the blood is delicious! Taste it!” Jehan held out his hand to Montparnasse who looked about as pale as Joly had when the bug had been eaten. 

Everyone leaned in to watch as a windswept Montparnasse carefully licked the tiniest bit off of Jehan’s finger. Courfeyrac quietly took a photo. “It’s um. It’s strawberry. Strawberry, white chocolate, a little cocoa powder, and some gel coloring. If you use strawberry and white chocolate puréed together you don’t need to use a lot to bring the mixture from pink to red. The cocoa powder keeps it from being too thin and adds a touch of a chocolate taste to go with the cake itself.” Speaking of going with the cake. Montparnasse now matched the blood themed icing. 

“Oh my god.” Courfeyrac took more photos as he whispered. “And here we see the big scary tiger is, in fact, a kitten.”

“Those still have claws.” Grantaire winked as he signaled Courfeyrac to be quiet. “Also he would be a leopard.” 

“I’ll spare you the obligatory fursona comment.” Courfeyrac went back to taking pictures. 

“How did you get it to work like this?” Jehan sucked off some of the filling and pretended to be innocent about how it looked. 

“Yeah, I’ve never gotten anything remotely this complicated to work.” Joly tentatively inspected the gore.

“I figured out that if I encased it in a relatively thick red chocolate ball and cooked it in the center it would melt and I wouldn’t need to open it back up. I try to open a cake back up as few times as I can get away with so it doesn’t crumble to bits. I also try not to use fondant if I can help it because some people hate it so much. This is a thick icing base with a mirror glaze and the vein designs are done with a thinner icing.” He used the discarded knife to point things out. 

“Having done dissections I can tell you it’s the most anatomically correct treat I’ve ever seen.” Joly smiled.

“You’re welcome to have a piece.” Jehan offered.

“But…you just bit it!” Joly sputtered in terror. 

“Ah, only one end.” Montparnasse cut away the part that has the bite taken out of it. “There, now it’s safe for semi-public consumption again.”

“I’ll take one.” Bossuet slipped past and ignores an extremely concerned look from Joly as he grabbed a paper plate.

“Same!” Bahorel hopped up. “I’ll take the gnawed on bit if it means I get more cake.” 

“Form a line you heathens.” Montparnasse cut the heart into as equal pieces as he could manage for something that wasn’t even to begin with. When he was done he made a show of licking the “blood” off the blade.

“Oh so now he has no hesitation but when it was on Je-“ Courfeyrac was cut off when he received an elbow to the ribs from Grantaire. 

“Do you want free food in the future or not?” He warned between mouthfuls of cake. 

Courfeyrac grinned when it clicked. “You know, you have a point there.”

The rest of the meeting went swimmingly until Enjolras got a touch of the bright red sauce on his lip. The left portion of his bottom lip to be precise. Unfortunately, it was all Grantaire could focus on for the rest of the evening. To make matters worse, Courfeyrac absolutely refused to let Enjolras know it was there. When Enjolras finally realized the bastard actually licked his lips. 

Grantaire spent the last ten minutes of the meeting hiding in the bathroom.

**Author's Note:**

> Jehan please. You're frightening the children.
> 
> Also all of the Amis have their thing that you can get them ABJECTLY RAVING about under the right circumstances, if they didn't have at least something they would immediately throw hands over then they probably wouldn't have ended up in the group. For Enjolras it's just. Most things. 
> 
> For example for Courfeyrac it's sex ed, normally he can approach things lightheartedly but growing up he only had access to heteronormative abstinence only variants and got to watch people turn against a childhood friend that got pregnant because she was under the impression that the rhythm method would be good enough, meanwhile he was afraid to even talk about sex because anytime he ventured to mention guys he just got given an AIDS pamphlet. 
> 
> If you ever want to make Joly start screaming just whisper 'anti-vaxers' within earshot. It'll take Bossuet, Musichetta, and a bottle of whiskey to get him off the ceiling. "JONAS SALK DIDN'T DIE FOR THIS."


End file.
